Twenty First Century Writer

I'm writing this now. I've written a bunch of things in the past. In primary school, when I barely knew how to write, I was already writing stories and many other things. And then I kept writing. I wrote through middle school and high school. I would write things and a teacher would tell me if they were right or wrong, if they were good or bad. I did al kinds of writing growing up like most of us do. Some people never get the hang of it, others like me become fascinated by it. Maybe I'm a lousy writer, that's a definite possibility. Or maybe I'm a decent one, I don't really know. What is certain is that here I am, a 28 year old, sitting on a chair in a hot afternoon in Rio and still writing. I wrote through most of my twenties. In many different countries. I wrote to graduate from University. I even wrote a novel. And here I am now, writing again.

            Some people my age have never read a whole book in their lives. Most people my age have never written a whole book so far. Most people in the planet never get to write a book ever. A few write for a living, others, like myself, mostly just write because they want to. They never get a penny for it.

            I'm not sure I truly knew what I meant when I told people that I wanted to be a writer. I think I meant that I wanted to be a professional writer. To write novels and get paid to write them. So far I wrote one novel and I'm not even sure I like it. To be honest, I'm not even sure if it's any good. Maybe I'm a lousy writer after all, I don't know. All my friends and family tell me I'm a good writer but they wouldn't tell me the truth if I were a terrible one. So I don't really know. I'm not even sure if I want to be a writer anymore.

            Not so long ago when people asked me what I did for a living I would tell them I was a writer. That I was writing my first novel. Now I don't tell them I'm a writer anymore. They used to look at me funny because it's not everyday that you meet a writer. People won't even take you seriously until you publish your first book. 

            I finished my first novel six months ago. It took me about an year and a half to write it. Some times I think it sucks. Some times I think that it's ok. I think I stopped being a writer then. I don't even know what I am now. When people ask me what I do now sometimes I say I'm unemployed. That's probably the closest thing to the truth. It doesn't sound that good. I spent twenty six years of my life studying to be unemployed. That's pretty pathetic.

            So I'm writing this now and I'm unemployed. I feel like I don't even have the right to write it. It doesn't really matter. It's not like a lot of people will read it. One or two people maybe. Some of my loyal friends and readers. Maybe one or two people will read this and when they do they won't know what to make of it. Maybe next time they won't read it, maybe next time I'll write an article and no one will read it. It will just lay there, virgin, unexplored, uncharted, unknown. Words in a computer screen, in a tablet, on a kindle, lost in the oblivion of information. It will be as if it has never existed.

            I feel that the big question here is "who do I write for?" Do I write for myself? Do I write for the people I know, my friends and family? Do I write for the whole of humanity? I feel that many people feel that a writer's only goal should be writing for money. Once a guy told me that a writer is someone who gets paid to write. This was in Poland. That was probably one of the most depressing things I ever heard anyone say to me, anywhere, anytime. I want to believe that he is wrong. I want to believe that there is more to it than that. I want to believe that what I'm doing right now is not completely pointless. I want to believe that somebody other than me is reading this right now, or five minutes from now, or an hour from now, or tomorrow, or the following year. I wanna believe that you are reading every word and that you are feeling what I'm feeling as I write them. Maybe you too would like to be a writer and in that case I hope that you are braver than me and you keep writing just because you want to write, even if no one else cares.